Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
