Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
