can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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