shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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