I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
