i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so let's talk penis.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
