Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
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There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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