So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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