wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
