Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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