I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
