I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
