OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
being pregnant is like rehab
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
