sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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