I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
