there's paper in my vomit.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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