Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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