I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
