i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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