Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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