just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
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I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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