You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
