I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
