you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
