Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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