Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
