Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
