I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
