Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
