I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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