What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
