Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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