your parents love me but you hate me
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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