Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
