Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
