Swine flu. Run for my life!
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
