Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
