Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
