I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
