I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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