I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Pants are for mortals
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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