Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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