my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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