genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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