I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
