Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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