at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
