remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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