My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
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I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize