So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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