dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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