I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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