My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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