i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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