How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
