I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
