We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
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Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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