Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
