Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
everyone is single if you try hard enough
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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