I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
