I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
PANTIES FOUND
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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