Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
