Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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