Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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