Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I want a musical about memes.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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