I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I died a long time ago.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
